one pissed mofo

Welcome to the beginning of the end.  It appears humans have messed up again and made God angry, so he’s going to wipe us all out pretty soon.  Maybe it was the dolphins in the nets, maybe it was the Miami Dolphins and the Jets.  Maybe it was because of the gays, maybe it was because of the people who hate the gays.  Who knows.  But in any event it seems we will probably get wiped out in a few years by any variety of Apocalypse you choose:

a google image search for "angry god" brings up almost nude olsen twins. try it if you don't believe me.

• Water shortages - massive world-wide shortages caused by things such as misuse by irresponsible agricultural practices, changing precipitation patterns associated with global warming (whether anthropogenic or not), privatization of water supplies, and most of all by our insatiable demand for this precious commodity.
• Other miscellaneous environment related catastrophes - global warming-induced flooding that covers the majority of sea-side metropolises (think Shanghai: 20 million people), superstorms, superearthquakes, supervolcanoes, mass extinction of species due to destroyed habitats from the expansion of human activity which leads to drastically reduced biodiversity, or the rise in acidity of oceans resulting in a toppling of ecosystems across the globe (btw - we need ecosystems to survive).
• Nuclear proliferation - everybody is PISSED OFF.  I don’t know what the deal is, but about half the nations in the world have a major stick up their ass.  Maybe that has to do with their realization of all the apocalyptic problems they are faced with and they’re just squirming for power.  Between India, Pakistan, North Korea, China, Indonesia, Russia, Iran, and the meanest bully of them all, The United States of America, somebody is going to have a loose trigger finger pretty soon and there will be hell to pay (note: I advocate minimal intervention).  Alternatively, the more exciting movie version is based on a super-villain….I know Kim Jong-il is trying, but I am just not frightened.
• Super diseases - for the first time ever, the majority of the population on earth has moved to an urban environment and on top of that we have a fairly well-lubricated system of international transport.  This spells out perfect breeding ground and transmission mechanism for super diseases like H5-N1 Bird Flu, TB part deux, or a wild card like mutated Mad Cow Disease.
• Sun-related catastrophes - a recent National Academy of Sciences report spells out trouble from possibilities such as a coronal mass ejection (I know, sounds kind of sexual), which could potentially melt down all major power grids in industrialized nations, instantly crippling the most advanced states into 3rd-world countries.  Other possibilities exist such as sun-related magnetic polar shift, sun-related global warming, sun-related diseases (increased instances of cancers and reduced fertility because of increases in radiation in the form of charged particles reaching is from the sun (not helped by reduced ozone layer))
• Oogitty boogitty - better known as “miscellaneous cultural and anthropologic suggestions,” this category encompasses various belief-based apocalyptic warnings.  The Mayan culture was centered around their astoundingly complex calendrical system, which predicts the world will end on 21.12.2012, or, December 21, 2012.  According to their beliefs, man as we see it is a result of surviving previous periodic mass extinctions (note the parallels to Darwin’s On the Origins of Species) and in following a pattern is headed towards another one, with the difference this time being that we are at the end of the calendar.  The previous extinctions let us from one age to the next, where we are now in the fifth and final age.  The meaning of this finality is not clear so you can make up whatever you want as an explanation.  Also contained in this category are the Chinese Book of Changes, the I-Ching, a text which attempts to bring order out of what seems to be chaos and predicts a similar end-time; Nostradamus’ apocalyptic prophecies; similar prophecies by Edgar Casey; the second coming of Christ, a.k.a. The Rapture, and other fun Biblical adventures like the tale of Noah’s Ark, said by some to be not in the past, but in the future and is a warning from God about what he will do if we are naughty (coal in the stocking wasn’t having enough of an effect); also related - the coming of the 12th Imam, Muhammad al-Mahdi (Ahmadinejad, is that you?) to bring peace and justice finally to mankind.

Now the funny thing is, all these are tied together by one thing.  Do you know what that is?  That’s right, Irony.  You see, we all die anyway so despite any hysteria, it doesn’t really matter whether it’s in a couple years because of massive tsunamis or in 35 years because of getting hit by a hover bus or in 40 years because of the robot uprising or if it’s getting hit by that bus tomorrow.  So what does this mean in practical terms?  We’d better party our asses off!   That’s right, in the face of utter failure, the best thing to do is always to party.  That’s what God did on the Seventh Day.  So in honor of these circumstances, I propose a huge 2012 party on the night of December 21, 2012 (conveniently a Friday, however it wouldn’t matter if it was a Tuesday night, because if the world ends, you can come in late for work on Wednesday).  Location, activities, and guest list TBD and open to suggestion.

In Apocalypse We Trust,

T